What Taylor Swift can teach us about the power of scaled intimacy
It all started with an ahhh!!! and a correction. I was on the phone last week with Eryn, my best friend from high school, for our weekly phone date. I asked her how the Taylor Swift concert was and she said, “Oh no, this wasn’t just a concert, it was a whole experience” and then proceeded to tell me about how and why for a full 10 minutes. She ended by saying “I don’t know how she did it, but she managed to make a stadium concert for thousands of people feel…intimate!”
The concept of “scaled intimacy” or intimacy at any number or group size has been pioneered by my mentor, Jenny Sauer-Klein. The idea that intimacy is creatable, connective and necessary for transformation is something that I believe in fully and live by daily. So the idea that a rock star could create a feeling of intimacy for thousands of people sounds crazy, but once you understand the tools for scaling intimacy, it shifts from sounding magical to sounding doable, and then just necessary. Let’s break it down:
The leader sets the tone for everything. New spaces can feel uncertain. How do we act? How do we dress? How do we BE? Taylor Swift concerts make it clear early on that joyful, silly, imperfect explosions of emotion are welcome and encouraged. How do we know? The leader herself embodies these behaviors with crowd banter, wild costumes, encouraging singing along and joking with the audience. Contrast this with any concert you’ve been to where the singer ONLY sings. It feels like a let down because what we’re all hoping for, subconsciously, in going to see live music is to feel more, well, alive. If we only wanted the music itself, we could have listened at home.
The leader doesn’t just ask for vulnerability, they model it. You can google “Taylor Swift Eras tour mistakes” and find a lot of examples. I’ve heard it called The Errors Tour, or seen TikToks of people calling TS a hot mess. But I see something else - someone owning it with grace and humor when she makes a mistake and allowing herself and others the grace to be fully human. That’s way more powerful than a flawless show.
Belonging is at the forefront. Upon check-in, every audience member gets a bracelet that lights up. As the night grows dark, each bracelet starts to glow and become part of a massive light show. It’s a very individual and visual representation that we are part of the greater collective. And, of course, there’s singing! To be surrounded by thousands of other people dancing and singing to the same song as you is a full sensory experience and a full experience in belonging. As Brene Brown says in The Gifts of Imperfection “Laughter, song and dance create emotional and spiritual connection. They remind us of the one thing that truly matters when we are searching for comfort, celebration, inspiration or healing: we are not alone.”
If you’re reading this and thinking, “Dang, I wanna know more about how to break down intimacy and belonging like this” or feeling like you want to tap into some of this magic for your own events, meetings and gatherings, come hang out with me this Fall! I am on the faculty at the Scaling Intimacy School of Experience Design and will be co-leading our upcoming fall cohort of Designing Dynamic Experiences, starting October 17. I can’t promise you any Taylor Swift songs (I’m not in charge of the playlist, dang it!) but I will promise you vulnerability, silliness, belonging and yes, even a little bit of magic.
You can visit The Scaling Intimacy School of Experience Design to learn more, and the code HILARY10 will get you a discount off tuition for Designing Dynamic Experiences this Fall. See you there!
